Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Thursday, April 15, 2010

stand up comedian


My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight. And I was padded down for guns. I don’t know how long the Supreme Court will continue to allow this.

I grew up in China. Who didn’t? Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.
When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.
In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert!

Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!

2008 was the year of the presidential election. But I believe the apathy among non-voters is the real problem. I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.

Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but also required! This will make appeal to young voters because when I was young I was really scared about marriage. I was like, “Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome!

I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Discovery channel science and real science

Raise a baby

A friend in PE mentions to me that IB sucks. "People choose to experience all the pains in IB and actually they really want is to enter PE. It's just unnecessary. It is like raising a baby. You can adopt one or give birth to one. There are no difference in terms of raising a baby. If your purpose is to raise the baby why you choose to experience all the pains to give birth to a baby ? Just adopt one. Experience is important but doesn't mean that you should have every experience. It is just not necessary.

I looked at her thoughtfully. It sounds "interesting" from the mouth of a person that has already experienced all the pains and now finally enter her ideal PE firm.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dad's return

Dad returned on Apr. 8,his 60th birthday. Total 10 years he spent in the country that was hot all year long. I guess I only meet him 3 or 4 times during these 10 years. It is great that he has been back but why I am still a bit sad. I don't know why we both desire to explore till we become exhausted. I feel a bit tired but I can't stop. What I need is just a break and some hugs.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Stephan Chow

Stephan Chow and Tony Leung are two popular HK actors during the similar period. While Tony Leung is famous for his charm and perfect annotation of the character's personality, Stephan Chow is well-known for his unique expression of humor. There is no better or worse between them. However, one thing sure is that one can't play the other's role well. I can't imagine Stephan played the role in the "Lust Caution". Maybe he can but it is not a suitable role for him.

Personally I like Stephan Chow a lot. His craze for acting and directing and his creativity and personality greatly attract me. I like his exaggeration and his cheesy jokes. You may not like it but it definitely leaves you deeper impression than many serious movies. When people criticize Andy Lau for his similar personality in each movie, the same group applauded at the vivid but similar personality of Stephan Chow in each of his movie. They believe it is a fashion.


All philosophies originate from man’s curiosity of three fundamental questions: Where does the universe come from? Where does man come from? Where will man go to? All philosophies are evolved from myth, which is an imaginative and easy answer to the questions above. However, some people are not satisfied with the explanation and their further explorations create two branches of subject: Philosophy and Science. In my view, they are not conflicting but complementary. Scientists regard the universe comprehensible and separable while philosophers look at the world in a more holistic way.

Philosophy is a research to explain the law of the nature while later people develop the philosophy to understand the society and the relationship, which is a way to keep a harmonious environment.

Religion is a sub-branch of philosophy but it more serves the purpose of controlling people’s minds by telling them that the universe is created and controlled by a holy figure. Christ is a typical example. Different from Christianism, Taoism involves no cult of personality, which makes it more a traditional philosophy.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


One thing I don't need to worry about is to write in formal English. Actually I can't tell the difference between formal and informal English because all I have learnt from school is formal English. When natives are struggling not to use slangs and colloquial languages in their essays, I spent those time translating my thoughts from Chinese into English.

Yesterday I went to MOMA, a place I can always get some inspirations. Two artists impressed me: Tim Burton, of course, and Maria Abramovic, more an uncanny figure.

Tim Burton is a legend that can manipulate the shape of objects to serve his fascinating thoughts. His pieces can vary from a combination of different animals to a girl with her head in the hand to a blind man with the living eyes. However, most of them suggest a kind of darkness and black humor. The message in his picture or movie can always makes me think deeper or laugh from the bottom of my heart. I admire his imagination and creativity. In my view, his pieces is a vivid exhibition of the exaggerated reality and the exploration of human's weakness in lust and fear in death. In the small exhibition room, you can hear no less than ten exclamations," He is amazing. That's cool!" I can't agree with them more. I am saying to myself, " He is a character."

Maria Abramovic is an artists that I am still trying to understand. She explores the extreme of the human's physical and mental endurance. I should say I have almost reached my extreme when I watched her pieces, especially when I walk through two real naked humans and saw one naked lady hanging in the wall. It is an experience to me.

Union Square is a place full of fun. Today I bought the cranberry apple cider and tasted the red wine made by farmers from the upper NY state. Both taste fresh and unique. Walking in the sunshine along the booths reminded me of my childhood. When I was young, I could spend hours watching salesmen selling fish and vegetables and often forgot to buy the spring onions for mum. Today is a bit special. You can see bunch of people carry pillows. Hah. There comes the "pillow fight", which is probably a festival. You know, NY is never quiet. People always figure out something exciting to spend time.